I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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