i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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