yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
