that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
