She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize