I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
