In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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