Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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