i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
there is glitter all over my balls
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