i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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