There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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