Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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