I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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