Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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