is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
