You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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