Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
