I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize