She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
