I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
