Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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