So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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