the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
