just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
