I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
