gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
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