I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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