oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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