i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
