it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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