I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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