Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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