he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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