Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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