You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
