dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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