Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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