nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize