At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
