i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
