my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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