The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
