this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
