Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
