my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
