i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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