Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize