if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
