my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize