i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
