Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
