so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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