She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
