i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize