a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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