Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
