someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
