I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
