I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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