In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize