so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
