I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
