glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
