Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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