You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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