grandma shit on top of the toilet
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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