is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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