I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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