Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
