yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize