on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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