no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize