I met the friendliest cop last night
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
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